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Trick Or Treat. Or Not. October 31, 2008

Posted by Toy Lady in random stuff.

PhotobucketIt’s Halloween. Late fall evening, hordes of small children, all dressed up as princesses and ghosts and superheroes, ringing doorbells under the watchful eye of a parent. Aren’t they cute?


Those adorable kids, as much excited to be dressed up and out past their bedtimes as anything else! The loot they come home with is like a bonus!


However, in the past few years, as Peeps and I have sat on the front porch on Halloween, armed with the bowl of candy and our trusty bottle of Vampire Wine, we’ve noticed a somewhat disturbing trend.

And I do not mean the really creepy Obama pumpkins, either.


Now, I don’t mind handing out candy to the children. I took my kid trick-or-treating when he was a kid (and you will never see a handsomer Green Ranger, either!), and I trick-or-treated myself as a kid.

However, by the time I reached 5th grade, I was starting to get odd looks from the candy-hander-outers. And then it happened. Halloween of my sixth grade year. I had just turned 11 four months before, I was trick-or-treating with my sister and some classmates.

What grade are you in, honey?

Sixth. Yeah, really.

Aren’t you a little old for trick-or-treating? How old are you, anyway?

I’m eleven. No, really.

No one else got those questions. I was an early bloomer, though, I guess.  Anyway, that was my last year trick-or-treating.

However, it has become more and more apparent that we are, in fact, living in a tacky, rude world. And it’s never more apparent than on Halloween.   Therefore, in the interest of preserving civilization as we (used to) know it, we offer a few guidelines for trick-or-treating. No need to thank us – just consider it a Public Service Announcement.

If you have a five o’clock shadow, you’re too old to trick-or-treat. Really.


If you’re the one driving, or if you’re old enough to drive, drive your younger siblings – you’re too old to trick-or-treat. Sorry.


If you have a baby – are are about to – you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.


And if the baby is asleep in the stroller – or in a stroller at all – she’s too young for trick-or-treating.

There should be NO trick-or-treating by proxy. Your cousin/sister/BFF can get her own bag and ring her own doorbells.



Putting on a stupid wig doesn’t count as a costume. Neither does a Dr. Seuss hat.

Speaking of costumes.

If you’re gonna dress up as a streetwalker (or a stripper or a French maid or whatever), please don’t walk on my street. There are kids out there. A few, anyway.


“That’s all?” is not an appropriate response when you’re given FREE candy. “Thank you” is. There are lots of other house for you to hit, and lots of other kids on their way to mine. I don’t have to do this, you know.

And please, don’t come back until next year. One visit to a house, really. Don’t be greedy.


If you’ve got to punch out before you go trick-or-treating, you’re too old. And you can buy your own candy, too.

If you tend to overindulge before – or after – trick-or-treating, do everyone (including yourself!) a favor and just stay home.


Now I hope this is all clear. Halloween, especially trick-or-treating, is for the kids. SMALL kids. Once into middle school, the kids’ attention should be turned to less, well, marauding sorts of pursuits. I mean, come on. The little witches and ghosties shouldn’t have to worry about crossing streets and carrying their candy and keeping their costumes from dragging on the ground AND getting plowed down by nearly-adults, should they?

Would you get the point if I started handing out prunes? 😯


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